It is 1:30 am right now at the time of writing. The Dolphins just did the most Dolphins thing possible. Mike McDaniel should be put under Diddy’s prison cell while being tormented by Chinese water torture but using baby oil instead. I got assaulted by Martin and his HC. I should be distraught and going to sleep.
However………….
The Week That Was 🏈
Haterade™️ Watch 👀: Shaffman (lol)
WE SMOKING THAT SHAFFMAN PACK TN LFGGGGGGGGGGGGGG 🚬🚬🚬🚬
ITS A FUCKIN PARTY BITCHES EVERYBODY DANCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 🎉🎉🎉🎉
This is just the beginning. Inshallah Shaffman will feel the full wrath of karma for weeks to come.
Top Scorer 📈: Pray4Adry – 159.48 fpts
Adry making me look like even more of a buffoon by shitting on my prediction of last place for him. This mf COOKIN. 6 positions scored more than 18 fpts this week, and I can’t say I am surprised anymore. Sam Darnold woke up from his nightmare and is no longer seeing ghosts, Jordan Reed is indeed the WR1 in GB, and Kittle may be TE1, absorbing some of CMC’s missing target share.
Power Rankings
1. Martin (lame ass team name btw) (4-0)
Even on a considerable off week, Martin’s squad puts up 114 fpts. Goedert continues his elite TE play in the absence of the WR corps, Aubrey might finish the season with more fpts than Ross’s 3rd overall pick Tyreek Hill, and Nabers is carrying Danny Nickels on his back. However, keep an eye out for some mismanagement in the future as Martin has gone from benching Etienne to benching Nabers and then Love.
2. Pray4Adry (3-1)
Our week’s top scorer, Adry has found consistency across the board on his squad and I am very jealous. Having Kelce on the bench is a luxury many cannot afford. I cannot fuckin wait for Rivalry Week in Week 7 for the matchup of the Del Prado heavyweights.
3. Ziv fouled out Abbo (3-1)
The Splashman has drafted his way to the #1 and #4 top overall scorers in Kamara and Henry, combining to create a dream fantasy RB room. That being said, may Allah help Malik in keeping them both healthy cuz the rest of the squad is just straight cheeks. SF defense scored more than his caca QB and 3 WRs combined. As long as the two headed monster is healthy, Splashman is gonna be a problem every week.
4. Vanilla sHERBERT (2-2)
Garcy is my fuckin hero. In a week of just utter shit in the realm of football for me, he has created a silver lining for me by defeating the Chilean-turned-Argentinian, and for that I am forever grateful. CJ Stroud finally woke tf up and Kyren Williams bullied the CHI defense on Sunday. JJettas finally has an amazing quarterback in Minnesota to feed him the rock accurately (hehehehe).
5. Njoku’s Firefighters (1-3)
OK my team is not as bad as it seems. I have played playoff positioned teams for three weeks in a row and they have been fuckin me sideways. Njoku needs to get his ass out of his house before he starts another fire and gimme some much needed production at the TE position. The Eagles can lick my gooch, specifically Jalen Hurts. I still trust in the CHI WR duo, as time progresses Javi’s daddy Caleb will improve.
6. CeeDeez NUTS (2-2)
Bris has gone fishing this week, failing to break triple digit fpts. Achane is dealing with a bagel boy as his QB, and Singletary is useless in an offense that has Malik fuckin Nabers as the WR1. Aiyuk continues to be a paperweight, seems like all he cares about his money. Shaheed redeemed himself after his Bris-esque donut last week. If only Swift and Butterfingers Kirk were starting instead of jerkin their meats on the bench…
7. TRUMMIEEE (2-2)
Kenneth Walker your backkk???? Owwwwwwww. Josh Allen’s inconsistency is ridiculous, and no one else showed up other than Walker. Luckily for TRUMMIEEE, he was playing the bagel man himself. Jerome Ford as the RB2 still cracks me up. At least the Raiders won hehe.
8. Soup-A-Starz (1-3)
Ah man BC got anally fucked this week, getting doubled up by Adry. Mahomo continues to be wack, Breece Hall plays for the Jets (lol), and the curse of Kyle Pitts strikes again lol. Martin – be on the lookout for a Waddle-Pitts trade request from BC soon lmfaoooooooooooooo.
9. Run CMC (1-3)
Christian is finally able to get on the board and secure his first dub this week in the 0-3 toilet bowl. His players have woken up from their slumber. Jayden Daniels might be the best QB in the draft, Jordan Mason is filling CMC’s shoes quite nicely, and Nico Collins is clicking with CJ in the 713. Let’s see if this week’s success carries over to a potential playoff comeback in 10 weeks.
10. First Down Syndrome (2-2)
Poor Ross. This team is in utter dispair. Starting a team’s backup in his RB2 spot is brutal. Tyreek is another victim of the McRetard Syndrome. And Mark Andrews continues to be Mark Andrews. It’s time for a new TE bossman.
11. Back Breakers (0-4)
Jason might need to trade logos with Ross to accurately describe the wins he has gotten so far, which is a bagel (duh). All the players on the team were just… meh. Bijan only got 7 carries due to the hot hand of Allgier, and Jacobs only got 9 as well. Chubba being the only 20+ scorer is a huge problem. Not lookin very cash money for the Back Breakers.
12. The Shaft Men (3-1!!!!!!!)
Hehehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehehe. What a great early birthday present, a tank ton of Haterade™️. Now I think it is awful karma to wish any sort of injury on any player. That being said, if a player WERE to get injured AND it happened to be on a certain person’s fantasy team? Best case scenario. Henry Ruggs apprentice Rashee should start putting his ACL in Rice to repair it (lol get it?). This team is now officially certified mid. Saquan is washed and PIT defense got finger blasted and gave up 27 points to an offense led by upcoming prostate exam candidate Joe Flacco. And, in his own words: “I can rest easy knowing at least that [Shaffman] won’t win a game for the rest of the season.”
The Week To Come 🏈
Bold Prediction of the Week 🔮:
Last week: Christian gets his first dub in the toilet bowl vs. Jason – Bingo
This Week: Bris is top scorer.
Lots of favorable matchups across the board might spell some good news for the Guatemalan backpack.
Lock of the Week 🔒
Last week: Njoku’s Firefighters (+9.5 spread, +280 ML) vs. Martin – Yeahhhhhh I was smoking dick
This Week: Ziv fouled out Abbo (-13.5 spread, -350 ML) vs. First Down Syndrome
Lol this one is pretty self explanatory. Mark Andrews is still the starting TE lmfaooo.
I love penis. My one wish is to spread the sting of my festering pussy to every man in the world. Stuff me 🙂