Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
The Week That Was 🏈
Top Scorer 📈: He Who Must Not Be Named – 172.58 fpts
What have I done to deserve this punishment? This fucker needs to be shit on soon before I lose my mind. Someone put him in his place (please Garcy 🙏🏻).
Haterade™️ Watch 👀: Christian is 0-3
Power Rankings
1. ASS ETN SZN (3-0)
Dawg this team is fuckin gross 😭 NABERS ON THE FUCKIN BENCH WTFFFFF, Stevenson put up a donut, and this fucker still put up 124 fpts. This is definitely the team to beat, zero doubt about that. If no one can stop the Chilean-turned-Argentinian by Week 9 at least I know what to look forward for.
2. Pray4Adry (2-1)
No Mixon or Kittle, no problem for Adry’s squad. While he was playing the bagel boy, a win is a win. We are living in a reality where Darnold is no longer seeing ghosts but rather dimes. ARSB continues to cook, and Diva Diggs is getting a lot of targets from CJ. Not much praying required for Adrian any longer.
3. Ziv fouled out Abbo (2-1)
Abbolievers are in their prime rn. Coop and Henry put them on their back last week on their way to handing me a phat L. I don’t know if this kind of performance is sustainable for Malik, since the rest of the team licks balls (I’m lookin at you Kirk).
4. Njoku’s Firefighters (1-2)
God I fuckin suck. Brenton Strange and Ekeler almost pulled off a miracle for me, but Austin decided to pull a Tua and get his ass concussed. Jake Elliott better count his fuckin days. Don’t get me started on DAL defense (stfu Shaffman). Regardless, I am gonna win the league. Dread it, run from it, destiny still arrives.
5. CeeDeez NUTS (2-1)
Bris’s relationship with his daddy Burrow needs to be made into a movie, shit is dramatic af. One week he is putting up caca points, the other he is looking like me in WZ, carrying Bris on his back. Butker’s wife must have cooked well for him last week as he scored 3 FGs. Shaheed said fuck it I’m not playing football today, dropping a donut (also like Bris in WZ, +10000 my cock). Nevertheless, a win is a win.
6. Soup-A-Starz (1-2)
Lol BC your team is assssssssss. Davante Adams’ career is getting sent down the drain by the Raiders who cannot find a decent QB to save their life. Calvin Ridley????? Tucker lookin like Cody Parkey out here also. If only you had Moss and Shakir in you might have won! Taste that L lmfaooooooooooooooo.
7. Vanilla sHERBERT (1-2)
After two shitty weeks, Garcy finally gets his first dub. Kyren and JJettas did all the work tho, putting up half of the teams points. Dobbins is back to his prime Ravens form, and CJ Stroud looked like Brock Osweiler against the Vikings.
8. TRUMMIEEE (1-2)
Javi finally gets to know how it feels to get actual fantasy points scored on him. This team makes me wanna throw up 🤮 reminds me of the Raiders. London JSN and Higgins might be the worst WR corps I have ever seen on a fantasy team. Don’t get me started on the RBs. Josh Allen (Dolphins Daddy) continues to show up for TRUMMIEEE, but his production is not enough on a weekly basis to push Javi over the hump.
9. First Down Syndrome (2-1)
It’s about damn time. While Pacheco’s Laffy Taffy lookin fibula is being restretched at the Willy Wonka General Hospital, the RB room is looking very depleted with Perine and gunshot survivor Brian Robinson. Tyreek Hill had an actual Make a Wish kid in Skylar Thompson under center last week, and Mark Andrews needs to retire.
10. Back Breakers (0-3)
Seems like the Back Breakers will need to see a chiropractor after getting their own backs blown out week in week out. With only two players getting double digits, this team is ASS. Chubba Hubbard would have won the week for Jason, but sadly he was on the bench watching the team eat ass. Let’s see if Jason can finally pull out a win this week in the 0-3 toilet bowl vs. Christian.
11. Run CMC (0-3)
The Haterade™️ is in abundance for me hehehehe. Even a career performance from Jauan Jennings wasn’t enough to get a dub in the battle of Christian vs. Cristian. Too bad Jayden Daniels and Odunze were on the bench 😈. Maybe the law of averages means that this year we can expect an 0-14 record. Better luck this week!
12. The Shaft Men (3-0)
I am in agony. Add more pennies to the wheelbarrow. Rashee Rice is running faster on the field than he was during his DUI fleeing the cops. I think I hate Shaffman in fantasy more than the Celtics. It is generational pain watching this fucker talk shit. Karma is a bitch.
The Week To Come 🏈
Bold Prediction of the Week 🔮:
Last week: TRUMMIEEE beats the fucker Shaffman – Goddamnit
This Week: Christian gets his first dub in the toilet bowl vs. Jason
It will be funny if I jinx him lol.
Lock of the Week 🔒
Last week: Pray4Adry (-5.5 spread, -150 ML) vs. First Down Syndrome – Spread and ML covered 💰
This Week: Njoku’s Firefighters (+9.5 spread, +280 ML) vs. Martin
Upset of the year coming up. I’m just that guy. Sugma.
Ooooo the pain in my vagina is becoming a fact of life. This soothing burn is something I look forward to. Don’t make it stop stinging