Pain.
The Week That Was 🏈
Top Scorer 📈: Martin – 144.80 fpts
Real ones understand the picture. I clowned Martin at the draft but I didn’t see the bigger picture. This tall fuck had to put Godwin and Etienne on the bench… and he was still top scorer? This team is kinda fuckin loaded so if I don’t win the league this year, HC has a great chance.
Surprise of the Week 😱: First Down Syndrome (Ross) – Somehow is 2-0 (?)
Ross is having a 2023 TRUMMIEE season so far, only getting scored 175.5 fpts on over 2 matches (that’s some bullshit). I hope this trend does not continue cuz I am a big hater as the highest PA last season.
Hate Watch 👀: Christian is 0-2
This feels like a 2020 GS Warriors team going 15-50 after having a dynasty run. Finally tasting some defeat and being at the bottom of the standings is sweet for the rest of the league’s sanity.
Power Rankings
1. ASS ETN SZN (2-0)
Undefeated, top scorer, and still has one of the highest PA totals in the league = really good team. At time of writing, he has Malik Nabers on his fuckin bench because Chase and Godwin are his other WRs. Might be time to trade Nabers for Cowboys DEF (hit my line Martin).
2. Njoku’s Firefighters (1-1)
Alexa, play Marvin’s Room. Dallas defense better count its fuckin days, Jerry Jones can lick my ballsack. Also fuck Foster Moreau. While I may have lost the battle, I have still not lost the war. Losing to the Apple shill stings, but there are still 12 weeks remaining to turn the ship around. Once I figure out my TE situation I will be unstoppable.
3. Pray4Adry (1-1)
Having an off week and still winning a matchup is a sign of strength. While Kelce has become a Swiftie instead of playing football, Conner and ARSB did the heavy lifting for Adry’s squad. Stafford is ass and Mixon is injured, but at their peaks this team is very strong. My preseason picks are looking ass rn.
4. Soup-A-Starz (1-1)
Thank you Martin for outscoring this Bolivian. Lol dummy had Calvin Ridley on his bench and decided to put in Zach Moss lmfaoooooooooo. Davante Adams was slicing up the Ravens secondary, as was Devonte Smith against ATL. Breece Hall got a lot of action in the passing game, scoring 24 fpts (too bad he couldn’t do that week 1 hehehehe). Mahomes looking buns in fantasy again, but overall BC has a lot to hope for until Kyle Pitts shatters his dreams somehow later this season.
5. Ziv fouled out Abbo (1-1)
Kirktober came early???? Imagine having Kamara and still losing lol. Malik’s WRs said fuck it and didn’t show up, combining for 22 fpts. Even though he lost, Splashman’s team is still great when healthy. The loss of Kupp for the next few weeks will sting, but I do not see Garrett Wilson continuing to struggle this much.
6. TRUMMIEEE (1-1)
Dawg this team is ASS. Josh Allen is a fuckin fraud, James Cook carried his sorry ass as my QB was dreaming about Moana after getting barely touched by Damar Hamlin (WTF???). How tf did you start Jerome Ford over JSN? That is some mismanagement, some which seems similar to a certain NFL team… I have a truce with Javi so I will hold my comments there. I should have docked you down a few more spots but I will be kind.
7. First Down Syndrome (2-0)
Ross your ass ain’t moving anywhere. This isn’t even a Haterade™ move, your team is just not good objectively. GG to Pacheco (I’ll trade you the woman abuser if u want), and Tyreek has white chocolate Skylar Thompson as his QB now. Olave seems like an afterthought on a Saints offense that is cooking rn, but Kyler Murray is looking great (keep passing it to MHJ). I think this week Ross comes back down to Earth and takes an overdue L.
8. CeeDeez NUTS (1-1)
Bris is finally .500 for the first time in our fantasy league. Achane had to carry his team like I carry him BC and Javi on a nightly basis in WZ. Joe Shiesty played well, but Christian Kirk has worse hands than a paraplegic. Aiyuk had a shitty week but may finally get some fantasy production with Deebo CMC and Kittle out for SF.
9. Vanilla sHERBERT (0-2)
I had a tough time figuring out where to put Garcy, but 0-2 is still 0-2. He had a great week that was overshadowed by playing Martin, unfortunately. Dobbins looks like the best player on that Chargers offense, carrying Herbert on his back. JJettas is from another planet, breaking off for a huge TD against the Niners last week. The problem with Garcy’s team is consistency. Scoring 84 fpts in one week to 127 in the next is representative of that. Unsure of how this team will stack up ahead.
10. Back Breakers (0-2)
When your TE is your top scorer, you know you are in trouble. IDK how many times I can tell y’all to avoid Steelers players at all costs. That offense is worse than my 6th grade JCC flag football squad. Prescott had another shitty week getting outperformed by TRUMMIEEE’s daddy, and Pittman is not living up to his potential. Low expectations for this team moving forward.
11. Run CMC (0-2)
It feels weird having Christian this low in the rankings after his years of success. I honestly don’t have many positives to note on this team. Najee Harris as your RB1 and Keon Coleman at the FLEX should tell you all you need to know about his team. Looks like we will have a new champ this year, better luck next season buckaroo.
12. The Shaft Men (2-0)
Fuck the Cowboys. Fuck Foster Moreau. And most importantly Fuck Shaffman. This guy can make Gandhi stop being a pacifist. I KNOW this fucker was sweating on MNF when Saquan sold him at the goal line. Tank Dell licks cock and Deebo is GG for a few weeks, so a sweet loss is inevitable. Please someone hand him an L expeditiously.
The Week To Come 🏈
Bold Prediction of the Week 🔮:
Last week: Pray4Adry will be top scorer – Mixon and Stafford are ass, but Adry still got the dub.
This Week: TRUMMIEEE beats the fucker Shaffman
I don’t need to explain this one.
Lock of the Week 🔒
Last week: Njoku’s Firefighters (+7.5 spread, +210 ML) vs. The Shaft Men – Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkkkk
This Week: Pray4Adry (-5.5 spread, -150 ML) vs. First Down Syndrome
Lol fuck Ross. Perine as the RB1 is hilarious. Olave licks balls. Easy dub for Adry is coming.
My vagina burns so bad. 3 weeks of pain, please Martin stick that horse knob in me and pop my painful cherry!!