Sup ladies, back at it with the reports so y’all can hop off my nutz. Don’t get too butthurt on what I write even though I only spit facts. Fuck Shaffman.
The Week That Was 🏈
Top Scorer 📈: The Shaft Men (Shaffman) – 157.72 fpts
Pain. First week of the season and I already owe Shaffman money (FUCK). Saquads is lookin great, and Jake Moody decided to stick his long dong down the Jets (FTJ) throat converting 6 FGs on the fraudulent New York defense.
Surprise of the Week 😱: CeeDeez NUTS (Bris) – Low scorer of the week (73.56 fpts)
I think Bris will never draft Joe Burrow again. The once dripped out Joe Shiesty looked like Kirk out there against the Pats, averaging only about 7 YPC with 0 TDs. The team’s namesake Lamb also disappointed a bit, coming in at WR23 for the week. I still have faith in Bris’s squad, but let’s see how far it carries.
Random News 📰: CHRISTIAN HAS FINALLY LOST
While it may have cost a Shaffman fantasy win, I am delighted that Christian has been brought back down to Earth, having a losing record for the first time in as long as I can remember (maybe ever?). CMC said Fuck them Fantasy Teams, so the curse of the Number 1 pick continues.
Power Rankings
1. Njoku’s Firefighters (1-0)
1 down, 15 to go to complete the legacy. This week was a Breeze, no sweating at all, like a gentle walk through a library Hall. BC put up a decent fight, but my team’s mighty glory is unrivaled by any foe. Looking forward to demolishing all of Shaffman’s cockiness this week as my firefighters will rain on his fiery parade.
2. ASS ETN SZN (1-0)
This tall mf’s top scorers were Brandon Aubrey and Bears defense. WTF. Martin’s performance last week looked like a prime 2014 San Antonio Spurs team, everyone contributing about 13 pts each. In fantasy, consistency is key, and scoring 135 fpts on what most would consider an off week for their skill players is highly impressive.
3. TRUMMIEEE (1-0)
Bro can’t u come up with a better name than Team Trummieee? Anywho, Josh Allen remains that guy (hopefully not the Dolphins father after today tho), scoring 31 fpts as QB1 overall. AJ Brown remain a big play threat, scoring a huge 67 yard house call to start the 2nd half of the Brazil game. As I predicted, this team is very top heavy, as Allen/Brown combined for 45% of his points. Let’s hope they stay healthy this year. Also, FUCK THE RAIDERS.
4. Ziv fouled out Abbo (1-0)
Cooper Kupp has been resurrected from the dead. With Puka out seemingly for the next 6-8 weeks, Kupp is in a fantastic position as the Rams WR1 once again. Kamara had a great game against FCS team turned NFL team Carolina Panthers, but idk if that will carry against tougher opponents. Splashman – if you are reading this, Kirk is washed.
5. Pray4Adry (0-1)
I know what you’re thinking. But… Adry’s team is kinda nuts after seeing the Week 1 action. Mixon looks to be in a great situation in HOU. With defenses concerned about the stacked Texans WR room, the run will be very profitable for Houston throughout the season in a weak AFC South division. Diggs was efficient in his 6 targets, and Conner looked like the red zone bully he is meant to be. With Jaylen Reed emerging as the WR1 in GB (pending Love’s return), maybe we won’t need to pray for Adry’s team too much this season.
6. Soup-A-Starz (0-1)
Lol BC how that L taste? On a real note, the Bolivian’s team is pretty solid. Mahomes will perform better throughout the season, and the RB room looks great with 15+ points from both Montgomery and Hall. Kyle Pitts will be the benificiary of a lot easy catches from Checkdown Kirk this season with the way the Falcons looked this week.
7. First Down Syndrome (1-0)
Damn Ross, I think u are washed. What did I tell u about Olave and Metcalf? Even when the Saints scored 47 points Olave only got 2 targets. Tyler Bass scored more points than Andrews, Olave, and Cincy defense COMBINED. Not much more to say about this team, I would change the team logo to some buns instead.
8. Run CMC (0-1)
Tough luck Christian, welcome back to the realm of normality where things can go wrong. The RB room is looking rough, with injuries to CMC and Mostert, let alone that Achane is the new RB1 in Miami. AR15 and the WRs looked fantastic though, but I am not sure if that will be enough to win most weeks.
9. Back Breakers (0-1)
Dakota Prescott got the bag last week and said fuck it I’m done playing football. Nacua’s injury is a major blow to the team, but maybe Jameson Williams can continue the success he found in Week 1. Pittman will be the key factor for the team in the upcoming weeks since he will be relied on for the bulk of the WR production.
10. Vanilla sHERBERT (0-1)
Lol Raiders players suck in fantasy, 13 carries for 44 yds is hilarious. McLaurin is dealing with a caca offense in Washington (let alone that minefield of a playing surface at the Commanders Stadium). With Darnold at QB, I think 16 fpts from JJettas will be the norm most weeks, which will most likely not be enough to bring the team over the hump for some wins the majority of the time.
11. CeeDeez NUTS (0-1)
Dawg I think Bris might be cursed. Would you believe me if I told you that Burrow and Aiyuk combined for 12.8 fpts last week? In reality, this team can bounce back very quickly, but for now I would be very worried if I was in Bris’s shoes.
12. The Shaft Men (1-0)
Idgaf that he was top scorer. Shaffman needs a lesson in humility. As Ross mentioned to me, “you know it’s bad when the hate shifts to him from you [Ziv]”. The team is decent. Jonathan Taylor is mid. Friermuth is ass. But Shaffman will face the wrath of Allah as I beat him this week with no remorse.
The Week To Come 🏈
Bold Prediction of the Week 🔮: Pray4Adry will be top scorer
I, Zivstradamus, forsee a bounce back game for both Kelce and ARSB following their slow starts in Week 1. Replacing Kittle with Reed in the FLEX will bring profits to those praying 4 Adry.
Lock of the Week 🔒: Njoku’s Firefighters (+7.5 spread, +210 ML) vs. The Shaft Men
Vegas don’t know what’s coming. I made the call, my team is going nuts this week and Shaffman won’t know what hit him. Amazing value at both the spread and the moneyline. Karma is coming.
Random Fantasy Fact of the Week ✔️: Fantasy football was originated by a part owner of the Raiders in 1962. I’m sure his fantasy team was ass just like his own squad.
Please my vagina won’t stop stinging! It hurts so bad. Make it stop
fuck you fagot
Your garbage at wz.