Press play for da vibez:
I’m back bitches… Time for my annual roasting of all your shitty teams and the crowning of my superior team as the future champion of the 2024 season. Congrats to Christian on setting the stage perfectly for me to become the second undefeated champion of the league, as I will follow in his footsteps and go 16-0 on route to my first championship. Without further ado, let’s rank all the losers of this season. P.S. don’t take these rankings too seriously please lol.
Record Predictions
Njoku’s Firefighters: 14-0
I’m just that guy, I don’t really need to explain myself to y’all but I’ll do it anyways. Jalen and Jahmyr are gonna pound the rock (pause) in the run game, MHJ gonna carry Midget Murray, and the Bears WRs have a cake schedule. Also my cock is too big so I can’t lose. 1 SEED COMING LFGGGGGG (Realistically 9-5, but nah).
BurrowMyDickInHer: 9-5
I see Bris took a night off from fishing to do some draft prep. Hopefully Burrow stays healthy this time around and plays like the QB1 we know he can be. Lamb-Aiyuk at WR is amazing, Achane and Swift are decent as well. Kincaid is a solid starter, but Kirk has some butterfingers (just look up Kirk drops on YT). Regardless, I have high expectations from Bris’ squad this year. Incoming 2 seed.
Run CMC: 8-6
Someone stop this man. Please. Anyways, CMC’s consistent elite production and the Eagles’ strong defense will be key strengths, however AR15’s rookie inconsistency and injury concerns for Mostert may lead to some caca weeks. I expect Run CMC to start strong but face some mid-season challenges during the bye weeks. Expect a 3 seed for Shaffy Jr.
Soup-A-Starz: 8-6
Lol BC picked Pitts again LMFAOOO Jaylen Waddle???? BC’s team is pretty legit though. Kermit’s elite quarterback play and Adams’ consistent WR1 production will be the cornerstones of the team, while Smith and Montgomery provide reliable support. Pitts (LOL) and Addison might be a bit inconsistent with their shitty QBs (re:Splashman). Tripod Tucker and a solid Buccaneers defense will round out a solid roster for the Soup-A-Starz. I see a 4 seed for BC.
ASS ETN SZN: 8-6
Even though I laughed at Martin during the draft, his team is actually solid. Ettienne and Cook will get a lot of carries with the passing game taking a hit with roster changes in BUF/JAX. Chase and Nabers both have WR1 potential (Key-word for Nabers with Danny Dimes at the helm). Love is a lower end QB1 and Waddle is a high end flex as Cheetah gets older. 5 seed for Martin.
The Shaft Men: 7-7
Don’t accept this scammer’s trade requests. Shaffman’s RB1 Lamar Jackson as well as RB2 Taylor and RB3 Barkley will be the driving forces behind this team’s limited success. However, the WR room is satisfactory at best with 3 WRs who are not even the first options on their own teams. Freiermuth was already dropped and promptly readded, reflecting on Shaffman’s lack of confidence in his caca team. Seahawks defense is meh. Shaffman will sneak in as a 6 seed.
First Down Syndrome: 7-7
Seeing Ross getting sniped by Christian multiple times was hilarious. Ross’s team is meh again this year. Murray and Hill will provide the bulk of the weekly points for the squad, but the RBs and Olave are not reliable in my honest opinion. Andrews might have a resurgence year, but DK is in a crowded receiver room with Smith sharing the ball with JSN and Lockett often. 7 seed for Ross outside the playoff bubble.
Back Breakers: 7-7
Lol Gators lick balls. Prescott will be a legit QB1 and Puka will continue to shine as long as Stafford is healthy. Bijan will shine in a new ATL offense since Kirk can’t throw for shit so they will run the ball hella. Pittman offers reliable WR2 production, but Bowers and Jacobs are gambles with high upside. Pickens has Wilson/Fields passing him the ball so he is fucked. Top-heavy team will lead Jason to the 8 seed.
TRUMMIEEE: 6-8
First off, FUCK THE RAIDERS WE COMIN FOR THAT ASS IN NOVEMBER BITCH ASS PIRATES. The Dolphins father Josh Allen and AJ Brown will most likely carry Javi’s team. Walker and White provide a solid backfield with potential for big games. However, while London and Ferguson both lick donkey balls. Carlson’s washed and the Titans def is overrated. Assuming the PA Javi this year return to average, I see a 9 seed for Trummieee.
Ziv fouled out Abbo: 6-8
Purdy over Kirk???? Wowwwwwww even Splashman knows that man is booty cakes. This team would be good in 2021 lol. Old men Henry Kamara and Kupp are headed to the retirement home soon. Purdy has all the infinity stones but cant scramble to save his life. Engram is ight, but BT at the flex is hilarious. Niners Defense might be the top scorer on the team most weeks. 10 seed coming up for the Abbolievers.
Vanilla sHERBERT: 5-9
This team might suck more than Herbert with a 27-0 lead in the playoffs. Kyren Williams is dealing with Sean Mcvay as his terrorist coach who will make it a RB committee, and Zamir White plays for the Raiders so that can tell you all you need to know. JJettas will try his best to carry but even though Minnesota has upgraded at QB this season, Darnold still blows. McLaurin has been shaky for the past few seasons as well. I like Flowers Laporta and Koo, but that’s about it. 11 seed for Garcy.
Pray4Adry: 5-9
We really are gonna need to pray for Adry, this team is ASS! Lol James Conner licks balls (ask Ross), Mixon will get no rushes with the pass heavy HOU offense, Kelce Kittle combo is… interesting, and Caleb might be a project. At least ARSB is good. I see a 12 seed for Adry.
Rivalry Weeks
Weeks 7 and 14 schedule has been adjusted for rivalry weeks, here are the matchups:
Week 7
– Ziv vs. BC2198
– Adry vs. Martin
– Shaffman vs. Shaffy Jr.
– Ross vs. Jason
– TRUMMIEEE vs. Bris
– Splashman vs. Garcy
Week 14
– Ziv vs. Shaffman
– Adry vs. Splashman
– Martin vs. Shaffy Jr.
– Ross vs. Bris
– TRUMMIEEE vs. Garcy
– Jason vs. Bryan
Sneak Peek to next season
After taking hours creating the schedule this year, I thought of the idea of making divisions to act as rivalries moving forward. The divisions will have zero effect on any playoff seeding, they will just act as a fun addition to talk shit to your division rivals.
These are the divisions I have in mind:
| Los Masisis | The Kikes | The Abbolievers |
| Ziv | Shaffman | Malik |
| BC2198 | Martin | Adry |
| Bris | Jason | Garcy |
| TRUMMIEEE | Ross | Shaffy Jr. |
Good luck to everyone this season, try to prove me wrong in these obviously biased predictions.
Ziv is gay. Great work though. Excited for the season
Cho ass up.
My vagina stings. I love Simon