After 207 days of no meaningful football, tomorrow the 2023 season finally kicks off. Congratulations to our defending 2022 champion Shaffy Jr, I hope he enjoys it for now since Big Zaddy is coming to get what’s rightfully his after a fluke of a season last year. We bid farewell to league manager Simon as we welcome three new managers: P4A, Bris, and Garcy (Herbert licks balls). Good luck to all managers, let’s see who manages to get runner-up behind me as champ this year.
Let’s go over my expected records for each team this season (very biased).
Record Predictions
- Deshaun’s Happy Endings: 10-4
The best team known to man has arrived, starring Kermit the Frog and the Quadfather himself. I feel bad for whoever crosses my path since I am tearing everyone a new asshole this season. Do not be surprised if I go ’72 Dolphins on y’all and go undefeated. Championship trophy incoming this December.
- Chase-Down Ass-Up: 9-5
The breadmaster himself decided to draft WR-WR-WR, leading him to rely on White and Cook as the RB tandem. However, after taking a look at some of the easy WR schedules, I can see the reasoning behind the draft process. As much as it pains me to say this, I’m expecting a match of the century between me and Toss come championship week.
- Lights, Camera, Jackson: 8-6
The defending champ drafted his team’s namesake QB once more this season, and with a relatively easy schedule for the Ravens this season I’m expecting an MVP caliber year from Lamar. That being said, having the RB2 slot filled by a back who’s coming off an ACL tear is very concerning, but assuming Williams can average 10 points a week this team should make its way to the playoffs most likely.
- Shaffy’s Shooters: 8-6
I hope this team loses every match this season. That being said, Bijan Robinson is going to destroy the weak NFC south this season, so I can see Shaffman’s squad getting carried to some wins he definitely does not deserve. Davante Adams has Pornstar Jimmy throwing Stevie Wonder passes to him, so I would not expect to much out of him this season (shoutout Trummieee). Solid squad overall but I hope they lose by 0.1 points each week.
- ElJefe2198: 8-6
Sunglass Hut man is coming off a season where I single-handedly stopped him from getting the chip (Mark Andrews?), hopefully he can redeem himself this season and actually win the title. Ah who am I kidding lmaoooooooooo I’m already thinking of how I’ll traderape him later on. But on a serious note, the team is very solid top to bottom, expect a playoff appearance from BC barring a repeat retarded trade this season.
- Justinthefieldswithherby: 7-7
The Herbert backfield tandem is interesting, but the key weakness of this team seems to be the lack of bench depth. Relying on your WR core to carry the team with CeeDeez Nuts and Garrett Wilson as your top guys while also starting two PIT players is a recipe for disaster. Kenny Pick-It Off for 6 is not going to provide the production Garcy needs to make it to the playoffs.
- MartinHC: 7-7
The tall bitch has constructed himself an intriguing squad, but with the glass-made Jonathan Taylor on IR/contract dispute, there is a lack of RB depth from my point of view. An overall solid team, but with Dobbins currently as the FLX for week 1, I have questions about the ability of this squad to persevere through potential injuries.
- Ziv fouled out Abbo: 7-7
Splashman has a decent squad, but any team with 2-3 Vikings in its starting lineup is bound to fold some of its games like the former. As mentioned earlier, I do not trust the WAS receivers getting production due to their wack QB and tough secondaries in the NFC East. Mattison might be a pleasant surprise at the flex.
- Pray4Adry: 6-8
Jared Goff is P4A’s starting QB. We will need to do a lot more than just Pray 4 Adry for his team to got over .500 this season. Henry and Samuel are solid franchise pieces but not enough to carry this team to many victories over the stretch of the season. Expect a below average year for this squad.
- ATL Boof Burners: 6-8
Honestly I think auto-draft kinda helped Foolberg round out his team, but with the rapist at the helm at QB, I’m not sure if he will provide enough points each week considering his piss poor performance last season. The rest of the team is very well built however, with a Diggs-Metcalf WR tandem and 2 great RBs in Mixon and Pollard. I have the record as 6-8 but I can see an 8-6 ceiling for the Boof Burners if Watson performs.
- Bris29: 6-8
Rookie fantasy football manager Cristian Yol struggled drafting this season, but seeing the Bolivian’s luck last season I would not be surprised seeing Najee Harris turn into prime LaDainian Tomlinson this year. With Kelce dealing with injuries before even playing a game this season, the franchise piece for Bris may be limited to start the season. Do not expect a winning season unless beginner’s luck takes its turn.
- Trummieee: 6-8
Raiders suck dick just like Trummieee’s fantasy team. Having Dalvin as RB2 when he will be splitting carries at best with Breece Hall is hilarious, and relying on Sam Howell to throw passes to Scary Terry will be a sight to behold. We already know how Mark Andrews shits the bed. Not expecting Chief to make the playoffs just like the trash Raiders.
Rivalry Week
Week 14 schedule has been adjusted for rivalry week, here are the matchups:
- Ziv vs. Ross
- Jason vs. Martin
- Shaffy vs. Shaffy Jr.
- Garcy vs. Bris
- Chief vs. BC2198
- Splashman vs. P4A
I don’t agree.