Prepare for an insane amount of Haterade… I am including my personal Haterade Ranking™ in terms of how much I gulp for each team.
🅿️ower Rankings
1. ElJefe2198 (8-4) ➖
I’ve paid this Bolivian six times already… he’s already at a net profit for the season. Josh Jacobs can lick my gooch (sorry Chief) for giving Bryan a great team. He also has Marquise fucking Brown on his bench whos just back from injury and could be a great Flex play. God help this man if he chokes like Messi taking a penalty in the World Cup cause he will NEVER hear the end of it.
Playoff Clinching Scenario this Week: WIN or Jason LOSS
Odds of making playoffs: 99%
Haterade Ranking™: 2, I will have eternal joy if this Bolivian fumbles the easiest fantasy bag of all time.
2. Lights, Camera, Jackson (9-3) ➖ – Clinched playoff position
After a god-awful week 11 showing, Christian bounced back as second scorer this week with 5 positions getting 20+ pts. Benching Lamar is kinda funny to me after boasting about him a few weeks ago, but luckily it didn’t change much in terms of margin of victory. It’s looking like we are getting closer to the Bryan vs. Christian matchup of the season in Championship Week, I expect a single digit victory either way.
Haterade Ranking™: 4, He’s been taking unwarranted jabs at my team lately. Never thought I would put Shaffy Jr. this high, but after video review the call on the field is overturned. Like father, like son.
3. I Cum Swiftly (9-3) 🔺 1 – Clinched playoff position
Ross scored MORE THAN 110 PTS?!?!?!?!?
I’ve gotta admit… I’m actually impressed. The Breadmaster actually managed an EARNED victory this week for the first time in forever. Ettienne took a page out of Slant Boy’s book and bitched about his foot, giving Ross less than a point in the RB1 slot. His WR corps all provided 16+ points, and Rachaad White provided 20 points as well giving Ross his best performance since week 8. Maybe the Buns Squad has found their groove at the perfect time. Maybe I wrote Toss off too quickly. These playoffs are gonna beSPICYYY.
Haterade Ranking™: 3, most of the haterade comes from a jealousy standpoint of his JV schedule, but I do prefer Ross as the league champ over the other three in playoff positioning.
4. Shaffy’s Shooters (7-5) 🔻 1
Visual representation of Shaffy’s Shooters:
This hurts. I lost to THIS????? I deserve to be in my position. The Chilean handed the W to me on a fucking platter and I couldn’t grab it. Fuck Najee Harris for getting a TD before turning himself into the Saint Ligma General Hospital. I am definitely very fucking salty, but I am unbiasly confident that Shaffman poses no playoff threat to whoever he faces. Kittle and Evans are caca, and don’t even get me started on AJ Brown. The pain of losing to this man is indescribable, let alone in the fashion I did.
Playoff Clinching Scenario this Week: WIN AND Jason LOSS
Odds of making playoffs: 83%
Haterade Ranking™: 1, FUCK THIS TEAM.
5. ATL Boof Burners (6-6) 🔺 2
In Ross-esque fashion, Jason has managed to gather 3 wins with 111 points or less, which has inflated his record to .500. However, the rapid fire changes to his weekly lineup are not a good sign of the squad’s status. His RB2 this week was Cam Akers. His WRs carried the team and gave him 77 points combined. If he manages to snatch a playoff spot with an inevitable Shaffman fumble, I will be truly impressed and he’ll always have my gratitude.
Playoff Clinching Scenario this Week: NONE, needs a WIN to avoid elimination
Odds of making playoffs: 32%
Haterade Ranking™: 5, Jason is middle of the pack only because his team isn’t the best, otherwise he would brag about it forever.
6. Trummieee (5-6) ➖
With injuries to his RB/WR1’s, Javi had little hope, but since Ross decided to actually win, it is all but over for Chief’s season. Scoring a 110 points wont be enough 80% of the time (unless you’re the breadmaster). Joe Mixed-Brains and JChizzy are on the way back from injury to provide Javi a small glimmer of hope this week, but it is looking very brim.
Playoff Clinching Scenario this Week: NONE, needs a WIN and a Shaffman LOSS to avoid elimination
Odds of making playoffs: 11%
Haterade Ranking™: 7, I don’t think Chief has said a single thing this season in our group chat, no haterade here.
7. Israeli Habibis (5-7) 🔻 2
There will not be a Chanukah miracle for the Habibis, as they drop a game to the Bolivian and his OP team. While not mathematically eliminated yet, the season is all but over with a lot of hurdles that need to be met for Simon to qualify. I don’t have much to say about Simon’s team, since he had no chance against Bryan in the first place. It was a valiant effort, but the Israeli Habibis now look to gather for next season. Simon, for the love of this league, BEAT SHAFFMAN PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE
Playoff Clinching Scenario this Week: NONE, needs a WIN to avoid elimination
Odds of making playoffs: 5%
Haterade Ranking™: 8, Simon is a humble fella in fantasy, no hate, just appreciate.
8. The Abbolievers (3-8) ➖ – Eliminated from playoff contention
With elimination already in the rearview mirror, this week was mostly a formality for the Abbolievers. Kirk actually had a very respectable Thanksgiving game, proving the lights may not be as bright as we thought they may be. CMC only had 11 carries, and idk wtf Curtis Samuel was doing, getting 4 carries and zero targets. Similar to Simon, I have one mission for Splashman: DEFEAT THE CHILEAN NEXT WEEK
Haterade Ranking™: 9, how can I hate on Splashman? I’m an Abboliever myself.
9. 2 Girls 1 Kupp (3-8) ➖ – Eliminated from playoff contention
I’m not spending time talking about this team, they foofoo. Sorry Martin.
Haterade Ranking™: 6, typically I would put Martin lower on the haterade scale, but his refusal to engage in trades kinda irked me this season.
10. Deshaun’s Happy Endings (5-6) ➖
My legacy is on the line against Shaffman, lets see what I have in the tank.
-Ziv Yehezkely, Week 11
Well that was a fucking lie. I suck more dick than Bryan at a Messi meet and greet. Seven losses in a row… what a disgrace to my family I am. I should disown myself for the shame I have brought upon my kin. As the sun slowly sets on my season, I reflect on the major horrible decisions I have made this season:
- Drafting Courtland Sutton and Jerry Jeudy
- Dropping Kenneth Walker
- Dropping Tony Pollard
Moving forward, I will not lose a fantasy matchup to Shaffman EVER AGAIN. The agony is too much to handle.
Have your laughs, I deserve the ridicule. Let’s hope I can get to at least .500 this season.
Playoff Clinching Scenario this Week: NONE, need a WIN and Shaffman LOSS to avoid elimination
Odds of making playoffs: 8%
🚨 UPSET OF THE WEEK 🚨 Record: 3-5
Last Week: TRUMMIEEE (5-6) vs I Cum Swiftly (8-3) ❌
What a turn of events: Ross learned how to score points. Maybe the team isn’t as fraudulent as they may seem on the surface.
This Week: ISRAELI HABIBIS (5-7) vs. Shaffy’s Shooters (7-5)
Fuck Shaffman. That is all.
🔒 WEEKLY LOCK 🔒 Record: 4-4
Last Week:
BC2198 ML (-160): Top scorer once more. ✅
Simon O111.5 (-110): Turns out Sleeper was actually spot on with the DET RBs projection, but midget Kyler Murray brought the team over the O/U hump✅
This Week:
Christian ML (-130): Sorry Trummieee, but Christian’s team is too gas.
Shaffman U135.5 (-110): LMFAOOOOO Sleeper is on CRACK. Shaffman not cracking 120. EZ BRED>
$10 parlay to win $12 (+120)
Good luck as always gentlemen (except Shaffman).
😉