Weekly Report Week 12

🅿️ower Rankings

1. ElJefe2198 (7-4) 🔺 1

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck……. This shitty Oakleys selling fucker put 160 fucking points on my dome on his way to yet another top scoring week. Neither RB scored even 20, which makes it even scarier in that perspective. His defense had the same amount of points as Ekeler. With a blockbuster trade at the deadline between me and the Bolivian, Bryan has the TE2 to complete this god squad. Just know that if he folds this cakewalk of a championship he will never hear the end of it from me.

2. Lights, Camera, Jackson (8-3) 🔻 1

What the fuck was that…… 68pts? Are we witnessing frauds in the making? Christian’s 3 active players on the bench managed to score only 10 points less than his starters, very questionable to trade for Aiyuk and keep him on your bench. Pollard went for 37 points this week btw. With Kirk at QB, JJettas is bound to have bad weeks. Saquads had his first real dud of the season with 5.5 pts. The biggest disappointment in all of this is that Shaffman got a win, but lets see if Shaffy Jr. can bounce back this week against 10-seed Martin.

3. Shaffy’s Shooters (6-5) 🔺 4

The fact that I have to put him at number three rips a part of my soul out of me. This iPhone schmoozer had his highest scoring week of the season, just falling short of top scorer (haha sugma). The amount of flukes on this team is insane: Kittle and Watson both getting 2TDs on 4 receptions is unsustainable (RIP my $20). Najee Harris awakened from his slumber with 27 pts. Pirate Leg Allen looked somewhat promising in his return. The Chilean ding dong’s team has some promise, but the inconsistency of his players across the board (looking at you AJ Brown) might lead to his future demise. Cheers to Shaffman’s future fantasy downfall 🥂.

4. I Cum Swiftly (8-3) 🔻 1

Man I wish I could demote the Breadmaster lower…

Listen to his scoring outputs in his last six wins: 113, 111, 107, 137 (fluke), 113, 105. WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO GET THIS WISHY WASHY JV FUCKING SCHEDULE FUCKKKKKKKKKK. This man got on his knees and BEGGED us to pass his trade, and then proceeded to start TYLER FUCKING BOYD over clear WR1 AMARI COOPER. AND HE MANAGED TO FUCKING WIN. The Pacific Ocean could not compare to the amount of haterade I am gulping right now. Lets see if he benches Ettiene this week also.

5. Israeli Habibis (5-6) 🔺 1

On a lighter note, Simon has been absolutely killing it. With 5 teams all within a game of the 4 seed, anything is possible if he manages to run the table in the three remaining games. That remains a tall task as he faces the Bolivian fuck this week. Trading away Cooper/Ettiene for team depth worked well last week, winning by 5 points against the tall man Martin. I am rooting for the Israeli Habibis this week.

6. Trummieee (5-6) 🔺 2

Chief took a page out of Ross’s book, scoring 105 points in a win against the Abbolievers. Josh Allen continues to struggle, but never fear since captain Tony Pollard is here. Mixon’s brain got GG’ed, so newly acquired Pollard had to save the day for Javi’s RB room. Inconsistency has led to his 5-6 record, scoring 160 one week and 100 the next is far from ideal. Nevertheless, if Chief manages to win against all three top seeds to end the season, he will be locked in the playoffs.

7. ATL Boof Burners (5-6) 🔻 3

Rondale fucking Moore man… In our newest edition of teams who’ve failed to punish the Breadmaster, Jason managed only 85 points this week. Dalvin Cook had a grease fire in the kitchen, and Russell Wilson continue to drive Broncos Country off a cliff. Even Kelce’s 35pts couldn’t save this team. Having Elijah Mitchell as the RB2 is very sad and a big indictation of fantasy success. The fact that I have the same record as Foolberg hurts my soul.

8. The Abbolievers (3-8) 🔺 1 – Eliminated from playoff contention

Kirktober? No longer. 2pts is a disgrace in the QB position. Much like the Vikings, Splashman failed to score many points this week. But against me, Malik gets the season high, of course. Anyways, when the 49ers DEF scores more than 5 other players, you know your team is in trouble. The sun has set on the Abbolievers playoff hopes, as they have been mathematically eliminated from the postseason.

9. 2 Girls 1 Kupp (3-8) 🔺 1 – Eliminated from playoff contention

With the departure of White Chocolate to the Ligma Hospital, this team’s hopes were finished last week. Fields still had a great week but came back to earth after back-to-back 40pt games. The Cowboys defense was second scorer on this teams, as the rest of the roster didn’t do anything worth mentioning. The Super Bowl hangover has struck in fantasy, and a new champ will be crowned this season.

10. Deshaun’s Happy Endings (5-6) 🔻 5

Pain, just immense pain. I deserve to be in this spot, going from the 1 spot to the 6 spot is shameful. Facing top scorer in multiple weeks is a recipe for disaster. But all hope is not lost, since my destiny is somehow still in my hands. If I manage to win my last three matchups, I will be in the playoffs guaranteed. With a deadline trade to make a Tua-Waddle stack, I have a glimmer of hope for the conclusion of this season. My legacy is on the line against Shaffman, lets see what I have in the tank.

🚨 UPSET OF THE WEEK 🚨 Record: 3-4

Last Week: 2 Girls One Kupp (3-8) vs. Israeli Habibis (5-6) ❌

I was spot on in my analysis of this matchup, it came down to 5pts and Fields did overachieve. But neither of Martin’s WRs got over 10pts, and even 18pts from Cowboys DEF couldn’t save him.

This Week: TRUMMIEEE (5-6) vs I Cum Swiftly (8-3)

HERE WE GO LADIES. THE FRAUDS ARE GONNA BE EXPOSED. Chief will only need to score about 110 pts to win this week, so this is a cake pick.

🔒 WEEKLY LOCK 🔒 Record: 3-4

Last Week:

Christian ML (-120): To say I’m disappointed would be an understatement. Shaffy Jr’s team shat the bed like Kirk Cousins when the primetime lights come on. ❌

Malik U118.5 (-110): Not one player reached the 20pt mark this week (LOL KIRK 2PTS). ✅

This Week:

BC2198 ML (-160): A lot of great matchups for Bryan’s starters this week has him projected at 141 fucking points. I hope I’m wrong on this one 🙏.

Simon O111.5 (-110): Sleeper has Swift/Williams only projected at 20pts combined, I feel like that’s way too little even against an elite Buffalo defense.

$10 parlay to win $12 (+120)

Good luck as always gentlemen.