Sup twats, here’s the write-up for the week.
🅿️ower Rankings
1. Lights, Camera, Jackson (8-2) 🔺 2
Beating the Bolivian without having two starters is super impressive. In an above average 127 pt showing, Shaffy Jr. has still managed to put Conner on the bench once more, creating a larger sweatfest than it had to be, opting for TikTok Boy instead. Courtesy of my mismanagement, Pollard provided 22 pts in an RB2 position which is fantastic, and JJettas had an amazing day of steering the ship to safety for Captain Kirk. A showdown in championship week with Bryan seems inevitable at this point.
2. ElJefe2198 (6-4) 🔻 1
LFGGGGGGGGGGGG. Having all his starters, this fuckface still managed to lose to our league leader, after Ekeler, Olave, and Succop deez nuts shit the bed. If only he started Singletary instead of Olave, he would have gotten the W. I would love to drop him down further, but that would be the haterade talking. Nothing brings more warmth to my cold heart than a Bryan L.
3. I Cum Swiftly (7-3) 🔻 1
The Breadmaster showed us the origins of his name today, losing to the at-the-time 2-7 Abbolievers. Just like I predicted in my Upset of the Week, Malik’s team shafted Ross and handed him the L he has long been deserving. His Cinderella run of 5W’s on 113 average points has finally come to a Swift end. As of the time of writing, three of his week 10 players are now off his roster, meaning he’s in big trouble. Luckily for him, most of the 2-6 seeds shit the bed also, so he gets a single demotion for now.
4. ATL Boof Burners (5-5) 🔺 3
The fact that Foolberg is at .500 right now is mind-boggling. Having the third-worst points for, Jason has caught two dubs in a row, potentially bringing an end to Trummieee’s playoff hopes in the process. He is now in a win-and-in situation, but with three players on bye this week, I would not bank on his chances. Nevertheless, the Boof Burners have been Cooking lately, hence the promotion on the standings.
5. Deshaun’s Happy Endings (5-5) 🔻 1
My team is so ass right now that I would love to demote myself more, but I’m somehow still in the 4 seed. Not having a reliable starting WR has been rough (that might change soon 👀), so when King Henry has an 8pt week I am bound to lose. However, the return of white chocolate Mark Andrews is imminent, and I’m also facing the Bolivian this week, meaning there’s zero chance I lose to him, since I obviously am his father. I am tired of the suffering, and if the trend up until now matches itself, I will win 5 in a row beginning this week. LFG.
6. Israeli Habibis (4-6) 🔺 2
The Habibis had a solid week, beating my buns squad with 119 pts. Ceedeez Nuts went crazy in Lambeau, and if Simon started the real Captain Kirk, he would’ve been second scorer this week. With a lot of over .500 teams, the promotion is more of a formality out of respect for the two straight wins. It may look grim for this team, but never say never.
7. Shaffy’s Shooters (5-5) 🔻 2
SHAFFMANNN……..WHAAAATTTT HAPPENNEDDDDDUHHH. HOW DO YOU WOSE TO MARTIN HORSE COCKKK. While JT came back to life this week, the rest of the Helen Keller shooters got back into their bricking form. AJ Brown got locked up by the fucking Commies, Kenneth Walker averaged 1.7 yds a carry (LMAO), Kittle is no longer the Top G white man in SanFran, and Harrison Butker can’t kick an XP to save his life. Who would’ve thought that starting NAJEE FUCKING HARRIS could’ve given Shaffman the dub. Seeing the live reaction of the fold during MNF was fantastic, 10/10 would recommend.
8. Trummieee (4-6) 🔻 3
You might think a 3 spot demotion is excessive, but it’s not. It was reported on Saturday that Allen would be playing, so opting to start serial pedophile Tom Brady who’s more concerned about making sweet love to his kids deserves a demotion by itself. Scoring 109 pts is not gonna cut it in crunch time, and even if Mixon played Chief would have still lost most likely. With the most of the team being admitted to the Henry Ruggs General Hospital, I can confidently declare a GG on TRUMMIEEE’s season after a very tough loss.
9. The Abbolievers (3-7) ➖
With all but his kicker scoring 13+ pts, Splashman was our top scorer once more this week. The inconsistency of this team has led to such a poor record, scoring 182 pts one week to score 86 the next is not optimal. Malik has a rather easy schedule remaining, but he can only be .500 at best, meaning that Kirktober is finally over.
10. 2 Girls 1 Kupp (3-7) ➖
Thank you for not trading me Kupp 🙏. Thank you for beating Shaffman. But past that, this team is caca lmaoooo. Justin fucking fields scored 45% of Martin’s points, and the buns squad still couldn’t manage getting triple digits. With Kupp gg’ed, anyone who plays Martin moving forward should expect a free win. GG’s to our now former champion.
🚨 UPSET OF THE WEEK 🚨 Record: 3-3
Last Week: Abbolievers (3-7) vs. I Cum Swiftly (7-3) ✅
ZIVSTRADOMUS STRIKES AGAIN. All but one of Splashman’s starters had 13+ pts, making it rain on the Breadmaster. The haterade is delicious.
This Week: 2 Girls One Kupp (3-7) vs. Israeli Habibis (4-6)
This matchup is going to come down to single digits, but I think at 19 pt projection for Justin Fields is too low against the tanking Falcons. Expect QB1 to continue on his tear and win Martin his matchup once more this week.
🔒 WEEKLY LOCK 🔒 Record: 3-3
Last Week:
TRUMMIEEE ML (+110): Josh Allen licks cock, and Tom Brady can’t throw for shit ❌
Shaffman U132.5 (-110): LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ✅
This Week:
Christian ML (-120): He’s facing Shaffman, do I need to say more? EZ lock.
Malik U118.5 (-110): A lot of unfavorable matchups, I expect 110 points from Splashimus this week.
$10 parlay to win $13 (+130)
Good luck as always gentlemen.
You have a small cock but a large heart u fucking fag.
My balls tickle…teehee
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥