Weekly Report Week 9

Hello fuckers, here’s the write-up for the week.

ower Rankings

1. ElJefe2198 (5-3)

LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Sunglass man finally took the L after going on a 5-week crazy tear, only managing to score a measly league-low 101 points this week (LMFAO). Jacobs and Adams played like Bryan at FIFA, straight ass and unable to score. The Bolivian gets a pass on demotion this week since he was missing RB1 Ekeler and QB2 Mahomes.

2. Lights, Camera, Jackson (7-1)

JJettas must have told Kirk Cousins his griddy sucks, since he’s only targeting him 8 times each of the last two weeks. He hasn’t recorded a TD since Week 1 (!!). On a lighter note, Rhamondre Stevenson continues to be extremely efficient, averaging over 5yds a carry this week. With Tiktok Boy returning from the bye, this team should continue to prosper amongst the best. Consider Christian’s team as 1B in the rankings.

3. I Cum Swiftly (6-2) 3

What we are witnessing from Ross is a masterclass of fantasy management. 6-2 after losing Breece Hall, Mike Williams, and David Njoku is mad impressive. Getting Prescott for free basically (fuck y’all for passing that shit) has given the Breadmaster a great roster from top to bottom, even while missing some starters. I still have some concern for the team regarding consistency, but his record shows that doesn’t matter. I have to leapfrog him in the standings for this reason. Look for Dabossforlife to make the playoffs this year.

4. Deshaun’s Happy Endings (5-3) 1

You might think that I would be upset after losing 3 weeks in a row. I’m not. I’m still that guy and always will continue to be that guy. Did I get 182 points on my dome? Yes. Was I also second scorer this week? Also yes. Derrick Henry rammed his schlong down the Texans defense and Nick Chubb continued being the best pure running back in the league. If Mark Andrews decides to stop bitching about his shoulder, I will get back to my winning ways. For now, I have to demote myself even though we all know I’m winning this league. PS: I will give away Courtland Sutton for a fucking penny.

5. Shaffy’s Shooters (5-3) 1

This fucking Chilean fuck thinks he’s hot shit after career games from human Milk Dud A.J. Brown and off-brand Tua in Jalen Hurts. They put this sorry roster on their back, being responsible for about half of the foofoo team’s combined points. JT apparently didn’t get the memo to start playing football and continues to be the biggest bust of the season. Kenneth Walker got a garbage time TD that he did not deserve and still managed to only score a measily 12 pts. Luckily for Shaffman, the Eagles play a lot more JV teams for the rest of the season, so these kinds of performances will likely continue from his stack, sadly. However, the lack of depth from this caca squad may prove to be costly if the Eagles decide to slow down. Unfortunately, I have to promote these Helen Keller shooters, but you will find me dead before I rank them above me with the same record.

6. Trummieee (3-5) 2

Poor Chief man, his fantasy team is mirroring the Raiders with how inconsistent they are. Josh Allen had an off week, failing to score 20pts for the first time this year. Joe Mixalot had flashbacks of Mason Rudolph when lining up across Myles Garrett, scoring only 13pts. With Michael Carter as Chief’s RB2 and glass-hip Jamarr Chase out for a few weeks, it might be all over for TRUMMIEEE’s playoff hopes.

7. The Abbolievers (2-6) 1

Holy fuck. Kirktober came to a powerful end this week, scoring a season record 182 pts with Cousins scoring 23.5 pts against Arizona. CMC had the first triple crown in 17 years with passing, receiving, and rushing TDs. Cheetah toasted whoever practice squad DBs the Lions put out there, scoring 31.5pts with no TDs. DeAndre PED Hopkins went crazy as well against a sorry Minnesota defense. If Malik continues at this pace, he might run the table like Aaron Rodgers, but with so many teams at the top, it may be too little too late.

8. 2 Girls 1 Kupp (2-6) 2

Kamara has experience running away from arrests and defenses in Las Vegas, having his yearly pop-off game with 3 touchdowns. Kupp remains steady as a very consistent top 5 WR every week, and Cowboys DEF continues to dismantle the cakewalk of a schedule they have. I feel like this team is very top heavy as well, lacking in depth for the FLEX spot. Martin’s squad is trending upwards, but they cannot lose another week to remain in contention.

9. ATL Boof Burners (3-5) 2

Joe Shiesty had one fucking job and couldn’t do it. He probably still has the after taste of Myles Garrett’s nutsack in his mouth with how many times his swiss cheese O-line let him get sacked yesterday. Let it be known that if Kelce played this week, Shaffy’s Shooters would have to change their name to the Shanghai Sharks. Damien Harris has been demoted to RB2 in New England with Stevenson’s domination, so he is not an ideal fit as an RB2. Jason will need some miracles to make the playoffs at this point.

10. Israeli Habibis (2-6) 1

Josh Allen is the sole person to blame for Simon’s loss this week. That fucker decided to throw a Stevie Wonder pick on 3rd and Goal, preventing Tyler Bass from scoring the matchup-winning FG for Simon. Regardless, scoring 139 pts without RB1 Elliot is impressive (shoutout me for giving him the heads up). COD pro Kyler Murray dismantled Minessota, and Travis Etienne finally has the backfield to himself, going off for 156 yds this week. CDeez Nuts is getting back into rhythm with shoulder-shrugging Prescott back at the helm as well. With multiple 2-6 teams, it is looking increasingly likelier that we will have a new championship matchup this year.

UPSET OF THE WEEK Record: 2-2